So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
