Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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