yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
All I want is dick and wine.
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