Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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