I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
