i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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