I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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