I want to stick my p in your. b.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
