"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
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