did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
