No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
