I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
