eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
