12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
