Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
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