Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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