I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Can you bring me the toilet please
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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