nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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