Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
