That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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