So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
