No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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