I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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