remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we made out on top of his cat.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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