I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
