Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
