Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize