shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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