You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize