I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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