I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
