First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
