I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
In America we eat man semen.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
