are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Randomize
