Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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