I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
