Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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