im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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