I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
50% drunk capacity currently
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
