I'd wear matching sweaters with you
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
as a side note pls kill me
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
