shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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