Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
