soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
