Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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