I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
