I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
