I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
