know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
