I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
