i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
