My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
