I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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