Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
