one might say we're banned from that church
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
