Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
