you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
