My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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