I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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