Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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