McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
