i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
