I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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