just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
the liver wants what the liver wants
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
