just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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