My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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