when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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